One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Half the people you know are below average.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
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