How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Half the people you know are below average.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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