If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Half the people you know are below average.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
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