Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is there another word for synonym?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
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