Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Half the people you know are below average.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
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