If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Half the people you know are below average.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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