How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Banning the bra was a big flop.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Is there another word for synonym?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What do people in China call their good plates?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Half the people you know are below average.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.