Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Half the people you know are below average.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
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