Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
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