42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Half the people you know are below average.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
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