With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Half the people you know are below average.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What do people in China call their good plates?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
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