A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Is there another word for synonym?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Half the people you know are below average.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
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