Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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