OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Is there another word for synonym?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Half the people you know are below average.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
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