If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do people in China call their good plates?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Half the people you know are below average.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
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