The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Is there another word for synonym?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
What do people in China call their good plates?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Half the people you know are below average.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
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