If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Is there another word for synonym?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Half the people you know are below average.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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