Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Is there another word for synonym?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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