A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Is there another word for synonym?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Half the people you know are below average.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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