Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Half the people you know are below average.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is there another word for synonym?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
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