Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Half the people you know are below average.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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