Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Is there another word for synonym?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Half the people you know are below average.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.