When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Is there another word for synonym?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Half the people you know are below average.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
What do people in China call their good plates?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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