Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Is there another word for synonym?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Half the people you know are below average.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
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