Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Half the people you know are below average.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
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