Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What do people in China call their good plates?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
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