If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
What do people in China call their good plates?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is there another word for synonym?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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