How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Half the people you know are below average.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Is there another word for synonym?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
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