Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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