Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Is there another word for synonym?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What do people in China call their good plates?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
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