Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Half the people you know are below average.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
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