Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Half the people you know are below average.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
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