Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Is there another word for synonym?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Half the people you know are below average.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
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