Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What do people in China call their good plates?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Half the people you know are below average.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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