When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Half the people you know are below average.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
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