Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Half the people you know are below average.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
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