Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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