99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Half the people you know are below average.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
What do people in China call their good plates?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
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