Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Is there another word for synonym?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.