99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Half the people you know are below average.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
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