Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Is there another word for synonym?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
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