Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Is there another word for synonym?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Half the people you know are below average.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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