Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Half the people you know are below average.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Is there another word for synonym?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
What do people in China call their good plates?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
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