Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
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