Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Half the people you know are below average.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What do people in China call their good plates?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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