Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
What do people in China call their good plates?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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