Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Half the people you know are below average.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
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