Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Half the people you know are below average.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Is there another word for synonym?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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