If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Half the people you know are below average.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What do people in China call their good plates?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Is there another word for synonym?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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