Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Half the people you know are below average.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do people in China call their good plates?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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